little john, tanto, watson, and george e. russel

When I was thirteen I wrote a novel, in which I was the main character. When you are young, you are, of course, always the main character of your story. As you get older, you realize other people play significant roles. But when you are thirteen, you are the heroine no matter what. In this novel, I became concertmaster of my orchestra (a goal for any young violinist in any sort of orchestra). Concertmaster is first chair, first violin, and it is the most respected position in the orchestra. If there is no conductor, the concertmaster leads. The concertmaster gets to walk on stage last in concerts, and they get their own applause. The concertmaster tunes the orchestra. The concertmaster always gets to shake the hand of the conductor after the concert, and also the hand of any soloist that might have performed. (On some occasions the soloist might get excessive amounts of flowers that they will generously pass along to the concertmaster)

The first chair of the second violin section is second best. To be Principal Second Violin is to submit to the Concertmaster is as a wife does to a husband (that is, not all the time :) ) and also to help decide bowings, and to lead the other half of the violins. Principal Second is not a glorious position, but it is a very important one, kind of like a janitor. People don’t usually pay attention to janitors, but oh, if that janitor is a bad janitor, people will notice. Such is the case with the Principal Second.

Within the last year and a half, I have realized what a good second violinist I am. I am very good at being second in command. I am very good at playing supporting roles to people. I am very good at taking charge, but I hate being the center of attention. These are all things I have realized about myself over the last year or so. Maybe I wouldn’t make a good heroine of this story, but I make a good sidekick.

Tonight, my best friend was concertmaster, and I was principal second, and together we led the orchestra in a valiant journey of music. We took the rolling hills and deserts and trolls by storm! We were Joan and Arc, except we did not get burnt at the stake. We were Elizabeth 1 and Bloody Mary, this time joined in a sisterhood and friendship, conquering all obstacles. We were Anne Bonney and Mary Read, off to Zanzibar, to wherever the wind may take us.

Today, my thirteen-year-old dream came true, and I am exhausted.

teacher! see my pretty buttons!

at the beginning of my blog, i wrote "Lizza, your blog may be about the beginnings of adulthood, but my blog is still about surviving college... haha." But it has since evolved into the beginnings of adulthood despite my first impressions of my writings. I think I've grown a lot over the last year, and especially this summer - I became used to being a college graduate. I made my schedule. I worked full time. I slept and ate and looked like an adult, talked like an adult. (except for the brief times that I was in maryland- but even maryland wasnt bad) (thank you, Lizza, for getting married and helping mom and dad to not treat us like 13 year olds)

beginning of the semester. All these bright eyed, bushy tailed college freshmen. Was I really that young? My thoughts were sentimental and nostalgic, watching them take baby steps into independance. I briefly wished for those days back.

Then classes started. And my professors said the same things. The same. Old. Usual. Things. We. frickin. know. by. now.

And an old professor imitated the pubescent voice of a disorganized young college student "but professor, i lost the form." I watched this, thinking - "wow. what do you really think of kids my age?"

(Most) professors don't have high expectations of their students. And if they have any sort of expectations, they don't have respect.

Arnold Schoenburg, known for the New Viennese School of music (maybe best known for developing 12-tone theory), wrote a textbook, Theory of Harmony - but the preface is a lovely! article about teaching and comfort and... a lot of other things, but there was a quote that really stood out to me.

"But the teacher must have the courage to admit his own mistakes. He does not have to pose as infallible, as one who knows all and never errs; he must rather be tireless, constantly searching,perhaps sometimes finding. Why pose as a demigod? Why not be, rather, fully human?"

I love this. So many teachers, out of insecurity, don't admit when they're wrong, or even that they are capable. Perhaps they think if they admit mistakes, they get too chummy and too much on the level of the student, therefore losing the students respect.

So in my transition from student to teacher -

where is the balance? Where is the fine line that a teacher must stay on? I have a professor who has done it. But I can't see specifically what he does that makes him different, just that he is. different.

Later in that abovementioned preface, Schoenberg says "A teacher who does not exert himself, because he tells only 'what he knows', does not exert his pupils either. Action must start with the teacher himself; his unrest must infect the pupils. Then they will search as he does."

maybe that's the key.

youre like coming home

One more picture, a new addition to the apartment.

And unexpectedly, these two things (coffee table and mulled cider candle) really felt like the last puzzle piece to making my house a home. (and a good book doesnt hurt much either)

....wishing for christmastime, as always at this time of year.

i am weary, let me rest

when i was a little girl, it was general knowledge that my poppop was the strongest man in the world. (and daddy was the second strongest)

when the strongest man in the world cries, what else can you do but cry with him and wonder at the absolute fragility of our human life?

new, new, new

make new friends, but keep the old- one is silver, the other gold.

new dress.
new photos.
new computer.
new music.
theres a taco bell in the mall now.
new friends.
old friends.

Change, of course, is one of those inevitable things in life that people either roll with or fight against, but like a runaway train you just arent superman. Its gonna win either way.

Our culture likes new things. To distract us from the loss of old things, I guess. One of the weird things about this age is, you get to see things from your childhood slowly being chipped away from your soul. Like the wendys that is now a walgreens. I had a frosty at that wendy's right before my first kiss. Anne Arundel County doesnt care about my memories, though.

In our culture, we are toughened against feeling melancholy for the loss of old things. Whatever sentimentality we might feel is brief, and we are taught to slap a bandaid on it by replacing it with something new.

I'm copying some christmas music onto my computer. Hammered dulcimers always make me think of christmas. I really like christmas, because its one of the things right now that doesnt really change. Yeah, I mean Lizza's married now, but that wont change the fact that we'll still hide the stockings and eat coffee cake on christmas morning, and open the kentucky presents on christmas eve, and stay up way too late at the late christmas service, and always get teary eyed when we sing silent night by candlelight. its good for some things to not change.

Change is good, but tradition is good too. I've been reading Christy (i needed something for the plane trip to maryland) and the highlanders in the story didnt want change. But they had someone come in and compromise with them as far as what they needed to change for their own good, and what they could keep. They had a little more control. We, however, are slaves to the media.

sorry for the disjointedness of this post. I havent blogged in a while, and sometime soon I'll give you a tour of my "new" apartment (since i promised to months ago and didnt)

are you ready to pay years of dues before you get where you're going?

i hate that we're raised to expect instant gratification. it really, really, just comes back to kick us in the butt when real life hits.

shoulder the burden. let's go.

all the lonely people...

Boys don’t understand Twilight.

Boys don’t understand why girls will throw themselves into a poorly written set of novels and swoon over a man that doesn’t exist. We girls understand that despite the less-than-stellar literature, the books provide us with endless hours of imagining the perfect man going after us.

We understand that this is what we want and somehow, unconsciously even, we realize that it’s pretty much impossible to have the perfection of a relationship like that (on this earth at least)

In my – haste – snobbery – I have often thought, “Well if men were more romantic, we wouldn’t need to dream about Edward Cullen.”

It wasn’t until I said it to a guy friend and he called me out on it that I realized that guys do this too.

Women come up with unrealistic situations of perfectly romantic men who sweep us off our feet and sincerely want nothing more than our happiness.
Men come up with unrealistic expectations of women - perfect women who sincerely want nothing more than the men’s satisfaction.

Twilight = porn.


[disclaimer: the sweeping generalizations have been noted. take my thoughts with a grain of salt. My point is not to say that girls don't watch porn and boys don't read twilight - I'm simply comparing the two]

coming soon...

very soon there shall be a celebratory post about school ending and moving into my new apartment.

yay!

I have a favorite bathroom stall

that i always use on the 3rd floor of the library.

a while ago, someone wrote big letters in sharpie "<3 is all you need" (except with a real heart, not a sideways one)

today I went in there and some grouchy person needed a little more love, because they cleaned it off.

thoughts.

reading good literature makes me want to write more.
more reading = more writing.
more writing = awesome.

more facebook = zero productivity.


hmmm

out with the old, in with the new

new apartment,
new knives,
new violin,
soon to be new accordian,
soon to be new hair.
exciting time of life.

I am one of those weirdly hard-hearted people about some things, and weirdly sentimental about others. I almost cried this morning when I had to trade in my current violin for a new one.

So, thinking lately about this saying, "make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold." But what about our society, that throws away and replaces things once they wear down a bit? "Ending is better than mending."...

"They don't make things like they used to." well, yeah. they make it so you have to buy another one within a couple years, so that they can stay in business. Lame.

Also, I guess its just easier on your emotions to get used to tossing things when they no longer serve you as well as they used to.

to be continued... sorry this is a rather disjointed entry.

yay!

just signed the lease and paid the deposit. :)

congratulate me!

Because I am about to marry the perfect apartment. :)


- you go around the side, down a small hill, and there is a back porch that leads to the basement






- you walk in, and theres a bedroom, bathroom to the right, study area to the left.








-the brick/wood paneling is a little retrugly, but i like it :)





I'll be moving in May!

hmm

So, I was glad when I found out I had mono... because that meant I wasnt crazy or bipolar or depressed. I was just sick. And that weird fever I talked about in my last post? Yeah, that was mono.

I like sicknesses that allow you to sleep as much as you want.

I also like that spring break is next week. And my birthday. yay!



Also, finding an apartment is like finding a spouse: "I think this is the one! This is perfect! No..... wait...... " later "THIS is the one! This one is perfect! No....."


Finally. I think I have really found the one. It is not perfect. But I can live with it's flaws. and it is only for 15 months anyway.

i will be 21 in 21 days

I don't really have much to say - it's been a weird week.

First, I've been weirdly sick, and I am pretty sure it is because of the bipolar weather. I haven't been sick so much as just very much under the weather. Every day I feel like I have a fever, and I get creaky.

Second, I have realized that my pet peeves are directly connected to T's actions. Latest peeve: Using a drinking glass as a cereal bowl, and then leaving it half full in the sink to dry out so that the corn flakes are cemented to the sides of the glass. So that when we TRY to wash it, its impossible, because of the cementflakes on the insides of the glass.

Third, Everyone has been telling me to be more confidant lately. Usually if more than one person tells me something, I take it more seriously than if just one person says it. And in the last two days, two different teachers have told me.
I wonder if this is a "now" thing, if I have been having an insecure week, so I need to stop having an insecure week, or I wonder if this is a "in general" thing, where I really just need to stop thinking that I suck at everything, and maybe I just need to get my butt in gear and get my some self esteem!

Fourth, I've been pessimistic lately about the state of the world, actually both pessimistic and apathetic.

Fifth, I've had the (inexplicable..) urge to go to california and lay in the sand with a glass of wine and listen to a guitarist. and talk, and talk, and talk, and then sit in silence.

i'm bored with war and songs
i've been bitter far too long
come on prove me long
and tell me i'm no loner
and tell me i'm not crazy
well maybe just a little bit
maybe just a little bit crazy
but mostly prove me wrong

i'm in love...

with an apartment.

i hope the landlady picks me over the other applicant.

____________________________________________

This is the bruise I got on my way to coffee yesterday. So worth it.

earth, air, fire, wine

To the girl I told to run away
The ghost I saw a hundred times a day
You weren't like me no you weren't afraid

You are elements combined
Earth, air, fire, wine
Someday you'll be mine

Elements combined

You stuck around, but we didn't fly
Weighed down by all I hid behind my eyes
I only hope that you realize

You are elements combined
Earth, air, fire, wine
Someday you'll be mine

Someday you'll be mine

I'll bury all excuses
Burn all the reasons why
I cant be everything you want
And everything you need

You're elements combined
You're elements combined
You're elements combined

We talk a lot but it's always small
Tiny bricks that make a giant wall
I hope these words are a wrecking ball

2008 in retrospect

This seems to be a trend...
sorry for all the lists lately.
Here are the highlights from my last year (with help from my journals):

Spring
- I resolve to lose weight and not spend excessive amounts of money. (didn't lose weight til aug/sept, gained it back by december)
- I am confused by the fickleness of man.
- I realize that I either like guys for less than a week, or years at a time.
- 1 year anniversary.
- I struggle a lot with some theological issues.
- I realize that this semester is a good time to learn to work in groups of people that I find hard to deal with.
- I believe it cannot get worse (in nov, i am proven wrong)
- I deal with things in the wrong ways.
- I participated in a Dave Barnes music video.
- I realize even more that I am not a night owl.
- I fancy myself a runner.
- I learn that sometimes people's families are cooler than the people themselves.
- My cat died.
- I fear to fail some classes, only to find out that I have made all A's and B's and thus made it onto the dean's list.
- I am considered proficient at piano by belmont's standards.

Summer
- I attempt to recover from burning out.
- I am lonely. "This isn’t a summer of love or optimism. It’s a summer of fake optimism. It’s a summer of suck."
- My sister gets engaged.
- I wonder about sanity.
- I survive a tornado alone in the basement a chocolate store with no electricity.
- I finally read the last two harry potter books.
- I have a nervous breakdown, smoke a cig at church, and play for a perfect wedding all in the same day.
- I visit Nashville instead of living there and going to school. I decide it is a nice place. I also decide to truly appreciate the friends I (still) have.
- Goodbye's suck, even if its only for 2 months.
- I helped lead a high school girl's bible study with my sister. I try to make high school suck less for them.
- I spend most of my time trying to communicate across the pacific ocean and 13 hours time zone difference.
- I cut my hair short for the first time in like 9 years.
- I fancy myself a songwriter.
- I get my wisdom teeth out and eat steak the next day.
- I finally get used to living at home, only to have to go back to school.
- I wish Nashville was closer to a beach.

Fall
- I learn that it is rare to have too much time to prepare for something.
- I successfully perform in a solo classical recital.
- I suffer through two flat tires in two months.
- I realize that I struggle with depression.
- A "friend" kicked me while I was down, and I realized she was no friend.
- I decide that I do not believe in Carpe Diem.
- One of my closest friends got her heart broken, and it hurt me almost as much as it hurt her.
- I go to Alabama with two wonderful, beautiful, godly ladies, and get to know them better.
- Dressed as a witch on halloween, I fell on my face in front of President Fisher and his wife. They only gave me one pixie stick.
- I feel as if I have stuffed two semesters into one.
- I discover that I can graduate in 2 more semesters rather than 3!
- I realize that I don't truly know what I want to be when I grow up.
- My dog died.
- I fancy myself a rock star.
- I made a wonderful new friend.
- I voted for the candidate I disliked the least. I decided for myself, apart from anything anyone told me.
- Thanksgiving was wonderful. It is lovely to finally be considered an adult!
- I decide that I want to learn too many things in life. And that if I had the money, I would switch my major and study more things.
- I stalk a cute freshman all semester, and lose interest as soon as I find out his name.
- I highlight my hair for the first time.
- I wonder how much of my life is all in my head.
- I am .07 short of having a GPA high enough to be on the dean's list again. Alas.
- I fancy myself a writer.

Overall
- I learned a lot about myself.
- too many people got engaged.
- I have become a feminist.
- I started and did not finish writing at least 5 novels.
- I am in love and practical. I realize that the two can most certainly go together.